My title is a line from Morrissey’s 1994 hit, The More You Ignore Me The Closer I Get. It’s quite a scary song – a little bit like the Police’s Every Breath You Take. I don’t know why he thought that lonely high court judges bore grudges 😀.
And the picture shows Judge, the first judge that I ever knew. He was a cute dog in the Irish TV show, Wanderley Wagon. If only everyone were like him 😀.
Now that we have all the nonsense out of the way, 😀 let me attempt to answer the question. If I am treated unjustly at home, work, church or wherever, it obviously upsets me. But I don’t think you should hold a grudge. It’s better not to take offence to start with or if you do, to try to sort things out. In practice, I probably just try to give the person a wide berth or think about them as little as possible. But it’s much better to learn to forgive, although that doesn’t mean that you need to trust them in the future.
And you can be wrong about people. Your boss might be putting you under a lot of pressure, but maybe she herself is under pressure, and maybe she is the very one that is appealing to her boss to decrease your workload.
I think of the 2008 BBC series, Little Dorrit. In it, there’s this guy, Mr. Pancks, who goes around terrorizing tenants, collecting rent, which many don’t have. His boss, Mr. Casby, who owns all the properties, walks the same streets and appears to show great warmth and kindness to the tenants. Later, it emerges that the rent collector is constantly pleading with his boss to ease the pressure on the tenants, and the boss is constantly urging him to “squeeze them harder”.
And with grudges, we probably damage and upset ourselves more than we upset others. I remember hearing an audiobook about compassion meditation a few years ago. It began by asking you to consider people that you like and show them compassion. I suppose if you are a Christian, or even religious, you can do that by praying for them. Next, consider some people that you feel neutral about. And finally consider people that you don’t like. You basically think compassionately about everyone.
It goes without saying that there is much in the New Testament urging you to forgive others. And the New Testament doesn’t present an idealized picture of what early Christians were like. There were many conflicts and disputes, which is probably why there are so many pleas for love and compassion. Here are a few examples:
Luke 11:4 The Lord’s Prayer
Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us. And lead us not into temptation.
Ephesians 4:31
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
Colossians 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Eph 4:26-27
“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.
It isn’t easy, but I think that they key thing is that we have a policy of resisting becoming bitter. Like so much else in life, we can’t instantly click our fingers and change our mindset, but we certainly shouldn’t wallow in hatred, grudges and bitterness.
Having said all that, there is no reason why we shouldn’t recognize toxic people and steer clear of them. There are many examples of Jesus and the apostles taking people to task and advising Christians to stay away from people, for example, see Matthew 18:17, 1 Corinthians 5:11,2 Thessalonians 3:6, Romans 16:17, and Titus 3:10. You could argue that they had special authority and perhaps we shouldn’t be as quick to exclude people when it relates to personal grievances. I suppose, even if we keep away from them, we always hope and pray that they will repent.
Back in 1979, Gloria Gaynor had a hit with I Will Survive, a song about a toxic relationship. She later became a Christian, and it’s interesting to consider how she viewed the song after that. I think that most people, even non-believers would try to be patient and forgiving, to begin with.
However, what happens when the person continues to make your life a misery? I don’t think that we should expect quick and easy solutions, but that’s not to say that there are no solutions. And whatever about the specifics, it is nice to remind ourselves that we can survive whatever life throws at us. I think, in later versions, she sometimes incorporated the help of Jesus in the lyrics. At least I think I once heard her say that on Songs of Praise, or some similar TV show.
But sometimes, we just create our own misery by dwelling on perceived injustices. It’s much more refreshing to think positive thoughts, or at least to nudge ourselves in that direction.
And here’s a later song by Gloria Gaynor, 40 years later in fact. The title is from Psalm 30:5 “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” Well, it sometimes might last longer than that, but we should always think of difficult times as episodes that won’t last forever.
Hibernia Gospel 